Tech Conferences : A fun place to be

So I have had the good fortune to present at quite a few tech
conferences
.
A large number of them have been at HasGeek
events. Quick shoutout to Kiran Jonnalagadda,
Zainab Bawa, Karthik
Balakrishnan,
Sandhya
Ramesh,
Hari
(ഹരി)
and everyone else on the HasGeek team for the
awesome tech conferences they host. It was also an honour to be on the Editoral
board a couple of editions of Droidcon too.

Putting those thanks aside right in the beginning, because here is where I
start making fun of conferences. :P The HasGeek events are some of the most
sorted conferences in India, but I have been to some other ones too, which are
not that . . . well put together.

fig1
From right to left: Someone taking notes, someone hurriedly fixing bugs in the
release they pushed out yesterday or getting ready for their talk up next,
someone probably requisitioning nudes on WhatsApp and Kiran having an
existential crisis. (credits: nicked it from here
https://factordaily.com/profile-kiran-jonnalagadda-zainab-bawa-hasgeek/)

So a lot of funny things happen at conferences. When you haven’t gone to one
yet, or have attended maybe just one before, you have this assumption that this
is a place full of serious people, who mean business, accumulated here to gain
valuable insights from eminent and knowledgeable speakers.

But what tech conferences are, could be wildly different. There’s strictly two
specific motivations for attending them. For speakers — you get to travel to a
new city for free (if the organisers have managed to get quite a few sponsors on
board, you get lodged into a decent hotel too). And for the attendees — you get
free lunch, and your company pays for you to attend it. So for one whole day,
you don’t need to dredge through your scrum in your gloomy desk, and instead
meet new people, have good food and munch on free donuts.

fig2
And you also get to take selfies in front of cool wall art like this

Why do companies send their employees to these conferences you wonder? Well
isn’t it obvious ? To learn new about the latest and greatest in the software
world (read: participate in the hype cycle).
But that doesn’t always work
out
. Because you see, other than geeky developers, who else goes to tech
conferences ? Greasy startup founders and technical recruiters. Who are always
lurking to poach employees. So that bright developer you sent to pick up new
skills at #AwesomeConf ? Too bad, Pochr.io just nicked him.

The Talks

fig3
The Gartner Hype Cycle. I am perennially on the trough of disillusionment, while
the rest of the world seems to be constantly on the peak of inflated
expectations

Most conferences will divide their talks into 3 categories, based on their
difficulty and/or depth —

  1. Beginner — These are on topics which are in the first slope of the hype
    cycle. Imagine Kotlin in 2016 or TensorFlow in 2015 or React in 2014. And these
    talks are nothing but the exact content you’ll find on the ‘Getting Started’
    page of the respective technology. It’s slightly worse than the Getting Started
    page, because that page gets updated in the future. This talk will get recorded
    and uploaded on Youtube as a permanent record of poor topic selection, if the
    said technology’s hype cycle bursts.
  2. *Intermediate — These are the opinionated as f talks. This is the category
    into which every mediocre conference speaker proposes a “Best Practices for
    Creating a ___ project” talk. This is the category into which every judgemental
    developer proposes a “What not to do when working with ____” talk. This is
    usually going to be about a technology that the whole world is already using,
    but the ecosystem is not mature, so everyone is figuring shit out on their own,
    and there are no ‘best practices’ yet, so everyone thinks their variable names,
    function names, folder structures and file names are the best. Like everyone
    Javascript conference will have a talk on Vue, and every speaker will have
    his/her opinion on whether Axios is better or Vue-resource is. Every Android
    conference is talking about the pros and cons of RxJava.
  3. Advanced — This is where the fun is. Advanced talks will usually be about a
    technology that is in use since the advent of computers. But it will be about
    a particular niche which only 8 developers from Valley and 2 from Bangalore are
    working on. This category is called ‘advanced’ not because the technologies used
    are complex, but because it deals with something like — ‘When we were scaling
    up, our NodeJS codebase was so large the number of require() calls hit the Unix
    process limit of number of open files
    ’ — i.e. the kind of problems engineers at
    Facebook or Google scale worry about, or people with a funded research on ‘how
    to screw your computer’ ponder over.

The Speakers

While those were the types of talks. There are also a handful of types of
speakers you get at these conferences. Any speaker can be put into one of these
categories.

  • First there will be the geeks with untested demos. These guys do not have
    slides. They want to give you a tech demo. Of a product that uses the latest,
    most unstable version of every tool possible, that runs on a prototype kit that
    they got from their last I/O or WWDC trip. These guys are found fidgeting with
    their demo 2 minutes before their talk is scheduled in the speakers’ lounge. The
    demo, will invariably not work. Then they will tell you, in the most
    unconvincing tone you’ve ever heard, what it would have been like, had the
    demo worked
    .
  • Then there will be the product guys, the marketing heroes hidden under
    the developers’ capes, the sellers, the smart talkers. They will convince
    the editorial panel in all ways possible it is not a pitch of their product or a
    blatant marketing of their ‘all new platform that will make developing a
    breeze’
    . (I’ve been on the editorial board. When an interview starts with “I
    don’t want to promote it in anyway but. . .
    ”, I know exactly where it’s
    headed). These are the guys who tend to use use phrases like ‘and this is where
    all the magic happens’. You know when to call bullshit now if you hear this
    right ?
  • Some of us are the regular guys. The usual suspects. The weathered
    speakers
    . We have spoken at multiple conferences, and we know the feedback and
    reviews of the conference will depend more on the quality of lunch, than our
    slides. We know you’re here for a company-paid day off with free food and some .
    . *ahem . . *networking. We know you’re not really sitting here to understand
    how important it is to set objects volatile and functions synchronized for
    error-free multi-threading. We know the true reason you are here — you are
    here for the memes, the jokes, and the gotchas.
    And we follow the footsteps of
    lord Gary Bernhardt and the supreme
    leader James Mickens.
    (The liberal use of **we, **if had not clearly pointed out, then yes, this is
    the category I belong to).
Here you go, meme-ified, on your face facts, about how your Digital money isn’t all that safe
  • Finally there will be the visionaries. The legends. The torch bearers
    of technology
    . The keynote speakers. These will be guys like Ryan Dahl,
    showcasing his summer project

    that eventually turned into NodeJS. Or Phillip Roberts casually telling you
    about the Event Loop
    . Or it could
    be the creator of Wordpress, Socket.IO and Mongoose — Guillermo Rauch (trivia:
    caught up with him smoking a desi joint an hour before this talk) describing
    the future of chat.
    These guys are
    the reason the handful of serious attendees who have come, are here for. These
    guys don’t talk code, or 10% performance bumps. These guys talk ideas. But never
    mind, because you won’t get it now. And when you’ll get it, it’d have been too
    late to jump onto the hype train.
  • There is also this one last type of speaker, for whom there is a** special place
    in hell**. The guys who propose “Building for the billions” talks. And there
    is going to be at least half a dozen such proposals. “*User Experience for the
    next billion”, “Design for the next billion internet users” *and what not.
    Here’s the thing — there are only a handful of apps on the play store with more
    than a billion downloads: Gmail, **Google **Search (because they’re bundled
    in every Android phone), **Whatsapp **(because it’s the new SMS), **Messenger
    **(because Mark effin Zuckerberg forced everyone to download it), **Twitter
    **and **Facebook **(because 1 billion adults are shitposting cat pics on the
    internet everyday). If you’re not Facebook, Twitter or Google, you need to get
    your ducks in order and figure out how to GET AT LEAST 1 BILLION USERS
    before you can *design better for the next billion. *You know who needs to build
    for the next billion ? This
    guy
    .
    Your app that solves NP-hard problem ? No one cares.

The Networking

.. or huddling around that one Google employee there, wagging your tails hoping
to . . . idk what ? Get a job ?

So networking at tech conference is downright favour currying. You are either
recruiting talent for your next ‘1 billion user’ idea (if you’re a CTO). Or
you’re trying to appear deeply interested in the conversation one speaker is
having with another about a language you first heard 1 hour ago. Or you’re
trying to ask intriguing follow up questions to that big-company developer who
just spoke in the pre-lunch session, and are only managing to ask the most
obvious google-searchable questions.

Then there’s going to be that one huddle of undergrad open source developers
(who are on sponsored tickets), gorging on all the available chicken and ice
cream, and discussing about the best gaming laptop and having a dick-measuring
contest about their Github commit-streak. THAT IS NETWORKING. At least they are
having fun doing it.

There’ll be also be some horny fellows in a corner trying to make a pass on one
of thinly spread female attendees. Geez. Please don’t. Like
everything else in a shitty conference is still fine. But this isn’t. Wondering
why there aren’t enough women in tech, this could be one of the reasons
</serious note>

The Sponsor Kiosks

The most important part of the pilgrimage to a tech conference, is to visit the
shrine of every sponsor. Because the offerings from the the divine sponsors are
what keeps us going from one conference to another. Like literally, all 4 years
of college, I did not buy a single T-shirt. Whenever I would run out of
shirts, I’d turn up at hackathons and tech conferences and grab a dozen new
ones.

Some of the upright ones, like Digital Ocean and Facebook would be having an
open table of stickers, pens, **notepads **and other
corporate-marketing-enwrapped swags. Then there’ll be snide data collectors
who’d be like, fill up this form and get a T-Shirt. Like seriously ? You think
I’d give up some of my real data for a free T-Shirt ?
Then, there are some
who try to gamify the heck out of it. Udacity was making us answer a quiz to
give us a mug. I just cheezeballed my way with the lady on the counter to
get mine. I am sure so did others. Quiz my ass.

Here’s a golden rule about sponsor kiosks. Don’t go asking about open roles and
asking about technology. Like just think it over. These companies, who’d love to
make you work on Sundays too, have sent these folks for 3 whole days to stand at
kiosks and take selfies with attendees. Guess who these folks are ? Yep the
temps, interns and the most dispensable ones. They ain’t giving you any jobs.
The know nothing about the next SDK release. Get back to the lunch, or the next
talk about the next billion users please.


The best part about a tech conference is that they give you this black
side-carry bag, which has this one recyclable pen made of paper pulp, which
breaks apart the moment you put some pressure on it to write. There would be a
notepad — they’re actually expecting you to take notes. And there’ll be a bunch
of marketing material. Now the sponsors are charged extra for their marketing
brochures to be put into this bag. The best use, personally, I had of these
brochures, was to fan myself when sitting outside the auditorium in of the
conferences I attended in hot and humid Chennai. And the cherry on the cake
would be that conference T-Shirt, which if you wore, would look like a Formula-1
driver, because of the number of sponsor logs printed on it’s back. It’ll never
be a size that fits you. And you cannot give away a T-Shirt with that many
sponsor logos to anyone but your younger brother.


Tech conferences are really nice places to pick up new trends, and meet great
people. This is a piece of comedy, and mostly everything after the 2nd paragraph
is the worst of all conferences I have attended cherry-picked into a single
story. Do keep attending conferences. Especially the ones hosted by HasGeek
in India are some of the best ones. HasGeek has
conferences on Javascript, React and Mobile lined up
from 12th to16th September. If you’re coming to any one of them, hit me up on
twitter, and we can ‘network’ and go
‘sponsor kiosk’ pilgrimage together ;)

P.S. Thanks to Sahil Dua for pointing out a
couple of corrections in this.